Something to forgive myself for.

 This one gets way too personal for me. I have done a lot of screwing up in my life. Everyone has. It's the lessons we learn afterwards that count, not the mistakes itself. They are only worth making if you learn from them my dad always said. But there is always that one mistake that obviously, you can't take it back, and that you will hold onto forever. And trust me, it is one of the worst things...
 My father, was one of the most important people in my life. I will throw him in here from time to time because even almost two years after his death, he is still so very important to me. One thing I learned is that when people tell you to never take a single day for granted, it may sound like just another overused phrase, unless you have lost someone in some form or another. I wish I had just one more day with my father. I wish I had taken advantage of everyday I had with him much better than I did. I naively ignored the fact that his time was limited and pretended everything would always be wonderful and fine. And that caused me to have the biggest regret of my life.
 I got sick almost two years ago. I felt like crap, and was extremely lazy and tired and cranky. I visited my father in the hospital at least three times a day. We'd watch our shows together, I'd bring the kids with me to visit, I'd go and drop off food and goodies, and I'd go to pick up and drop off mail and bills. Even in the hospital, that man took care of business. And in between visits, I'd call at least three or four times a day. But when I got sick, I didn't call and I didn't visit. I told him two days before he died that I was sick and not feeling good, he and the nurses both told me to stay away as his immunity was shot thanks to the cancer. So for two days I slept and hung out at home. I took my kids to daycare so I could have the house to myself and hopefully get better. And I spent the last two days of my father's life sitting at home being sick and lazy. I woke up at three in the morning on Mother's day to a phone call telling me he passed away in his sleep. And I have spent everyday since, feeling guilty.
 Now, I have heard over and over again about how I shouldn't feel guilty, I was after all told to not go in and visit, I would do harm and no good and all that. But it's the phone calls I didn't make that played into it.
 I had a friend at that time, who as disbelieving as it may sound, was on the psychic side. And I firmly believed her. Because not only did she do a reading on me previously, but a few weeks before my father passed away, she called me out of the blue and told me she had a dream that my father wouldn't live past the first week of spring. I didn't believe it at the time. Until he died the week after spring started. A few months after he died, she called me after we had stopped speaking and told me that she had a vision of my father come to her, and that he had told her to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. That he was finally at peace and was proud and thankful to have had me as his daughter. And then she told me that he said to tell me that I needed to not wonder, my grandmother was proud of me as well and they were both watching over me. The reason I believe this is that as soon as my father died, I quit speaking to most everybody. I hadn't talked to this friend and certainly hadn't told her of my guilt. I told Abel and that was it. This blog is the second "person" to know. So how did she know? And my grandmother...She died before my parents even met. I have always asked questions about her and wondered about if she would have liked me (corny I know) and if I was ever anything like her. And no, I never shared this bit of info with anyone other than my father. It's kind of like proof to me that the vision was true. And whether anyone wants to debate it or not, nothing can be said to sway me. Sometimes, you just have to have faith of a mustard seed.....
 I carry guilt for losing the last two days with my father. I blame myself for being lazy for not calling him. I get pissed wondering why I had to get sick at the point in time, why not days after. Why not weeks after. But asking the whys and analyzing a situation over and over again can eat a person up. And that's what I let it do for awhile. One day I will actually let it go and forgive myself. And I will never again take for granted people and the time we have here in life. I'm renewing friendships and continuously working at building my life all of the time. And I work hard at figuring myself out too. I have spent the last year totally and completely lost. Wandering around religions, swaying towards different hobbies and ways of keeping myself temporarily busy and happy, never realizing that because of guilt from one event would throw me way crazy. But you know, it is never too late. As long as you are breathing there is always time to reclaim yourself and find your way back "home". If you are lucky and smart that is. Luckily my brain cells have begun to resurface...
 So that right there is my horrible, shameful thing that I need to one day forgive myself for. I can't think of anything worse, but don't judge me because of it. I know that if my father were still here, he'd tell me to get on and quit beating myself up over something in the past. But sometimes, it's just not that easy.