Get a fry, catch-up and run!

  My husband has gotten addicted to Son of Anarchy. I used to be so anti-Netflix in the past. What's the point when you have DirectTv and DVR? But. Husband turned off our DirectTv about a week ago.Sadness I know. I'm sure China heard my sobs. But. It turns out, it wasn't a bad move at all. I can watch all my current shows online, minus my SisterWives but I can at least get those on DVD, so whatever. And, I'm at least able to enjoy some other tv shows and catch up form the beginnings of others. I'm re-watching Grey's from the very beginning. And Prison Break. Love that show. And that's how husband is watching an entire season of Sons of Anarchy right now. Thank goodness for my laptop. I am not crazy about this show so I'm running into a nice hot bath to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy or two.
 In other news, we found out a few days ago that my cousin's grandma passed away. Wouldn't usually be such a big thing but this woman was the sweetest woman I ever knew. Always treated me like I was one of her own grandkids and so I grew up knowing her as Grandma.  A little bit of random trivia for you. I was raised by my father but also by my cousins. It's sad that I have more memories with them than my own mother. I was surrounded by their six boys, two who were out on their own by then, and the other four who were the brothers I never had, but in a way did. My father worked full time in a bar a few miles from where we lived. He'd go to work while I was in school so I'd go from school to my cousin's house and then spend the night and go back to school. Somedays I 'd be there for multiple days, others, I'd be back home with dad when he got a day off. I'd don't regret it or feel sad by it. My dad being a single father did what most didn't, one is, he got custody of me, and two, he worked his butt off to take care of me and made sure I had everything I needed or even wanted. My father was a great man...
 So before I get weepy on you, we are spending the next few days getting ready to head over to Montana for the funeral and to visit my family. The hardest thing is getting time off from work. I have four job, about to make it five in another two weeks, and getting time off from all of them takes time. But thankfully all of my bosses are amazing and worked with me and I am free until Monday. So for today I'm playing catch-up (ketchup? Get it?) and going to do two blogs in one. Two challenges in one I should say. As well as let you in on what was going on so that once we do leave, if I get time in to pop a blog up, great! If not, you'll understand.
 So, challenge numero quatro, someone who I need to forgive. Or something like that. Well, going with today's theme of family and such. I'm going to spit out the dreaded "M". Mother. I get that we as parents are going to screw up from time to time. You may think you have it all down, you may think you can avoid any crisis given to you or that you know better than anyone else. The thing is though, you will never know how much you mess your child up or what mistakes you ever made until they are grown adults. And I don't care who you or your mother or father are, they've made a few mistakes. Everyone does. The thing with my poorly spun family web, is that only the bad things have been passed on it seems. My mother blames her mistakes on her mother. My grandmother places her blames upon her mother and so on and so forth. Since I severed the ties between my mother and myself, the hard part is that when my children come to me with my mistakes, it means I get to own them as my own and place the blame upon noone. I also face life knowing I will screw up but hoping, praying that my children will love me through the mistakes and forgive me better than I forgive myself and my mother.
 You know when a young child comes around telling people how their parent loves their sibling more than they love them? Nothing could be closer to the truth with me. Thanks to my father and to my cousins, I turned out relatively normal (you'd have to meet me to understand what I mean by that) and in my family, normal is not okay. I wasn't bi-polar, I didn't have ADD, I wasn't "Special" by any means nor did I require any special attention. Being able to fend for myself and take care of myself since I was 8, was the best and yet worst quality of myself. I wish I could forgive her for that but even to this day, she pulls this favoritism thing. My sister was a drug abuser for a few years. Had two beautiful little girls who she couldn't take care of and yet no matter how many times she messed up or the things she did to mess up, my mother was always running to her side. I never asked for help because the times I did, I was refused so I learned to quit. She depended on me too much and the one time I told her no, that was the day she wrote me, her own daughter off. All for a few hundred dollars...
 So that's my gripping story. I watch mothers and their daughters as they shop, have these "girl days" or hear about how close they are and all that and while a part of me wishes for that, how nice that would have been, the biggest part of me is really glad that's not how life turned out. I can, afterall, take care of myself. Having my husband has been the best and biggest blessing but without him, I'd still be here, taking care and doing me. After my father died, I closed off the biggest part of me. I quit trusting people and letting them in because right around that time I lost a few friends, a few people betrayed me, and both of my parents left. A person doesn't just walk out perfect after that, you know what I mean? Maybe that helps explain why I'm so closed off to religion. Bad things happen that make you stronger, I get it, but I guess the hardest thing is being so "good" and working so hard to be such a "good" person and then getting kicked in the end like a puppy who peed on the rug. Not once, but a few times...
 Luckily, this girl can't be kept down too long. I'm back to almost normal, with just a few adjustments. My friends know who they are, the people who think they can hurt me anymore...I literally laugh because well, I'm kinda unbreakable at this point. And pretty proud of it too.
 My life not being perfect, or even normal for that matter, sounds bad, but it is actually something pretty outstanding. I am the person who lives the life that my daughter will never have to be, have to live and I know the type of person to never become. I may a mother, but I'll never be like my mother.
 Onto something less depressing and grim...
 Numero cinco, something I hope to do in my life. Lots of things. But when I close my eyes and clear my mind, I know that I want to travel. I really want to go places I've never been, take photos, store up stories for my grandkids, and watch the sky at night to see what the stars look like on other sides of the Earth. Lame and corny but what can I say? I'm kinda corny  : )
 So kids, that'll be all for tonight. I'm going to finish this up, go click on my electric blanket and settle in my bed to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Love that show and that lame theme song grabs me all the time.
 Ciao bellas!

*Beckie*