Forgive My Mental Breakdown

So I'm too early for menopause, not man enough for a midlife crisis, and apparently too sane for a mental breakdown. What does a woman call it when she is having any of these?

 The flu bug of oh-twelve has come and gone. Not the most fun bug ever either, let me tell you. It started with the pain in my stomach and I have to stop and brag about my pain tolerating levels, and how supremely awesome they are, but this sort of pain folks, had me convinced I was dying. I swore there was something wrong with me and how I should probably have gone to the ER. But after I threw up a few times, I was like oooooh flu-bug, my bad, I guess I'm NOT dying. Whoa hypochondriac moment right? Then for the first time in history, I passed it to my husband and to my kidlets. Totally broke my heart about passing it to my kidlets, the husband I giggled about, I'll be honest. He always passes me his cold and flu crud, and had zero sympathy for me, so when he got it, I laughed. Totally had a "Haha, now you know how I felt, sucks don't it?" minute. But then I went and made him his lukewarm bath, cooked his soup and got him his fluffy bathrobe to sit in his chair with. I even let him pick the movies out to watch, see how nice I am? I'm not always so mean ;)

Yesterday I got Bean's acceptance letter in the mail for Head Start. We applied for the home based program, but apparently, thanks to our extremely piece of crap awesome government and their amazing budgeting skills, they cut that out of the program and also shut down a center and a few classes throughout the state. It's very sad when the government spends money poorly and ends up skimping out on the important areas such as our education...Anyways, so my son, my baby, is starting school this fall. They bumped him up into the center based instead. I should be happy about because there is always quite the waiting list and it is such an amazing program, but...I'm just not thrilled. My baby. Insert breakdown here, lol. The worst part about it is his excitement. He can not wait to go to "cool" and be a big kid like sister. He is pumped. I asked him today if he would just like to stay home and hang with me for another year and the glare I got pretty much spoke volumes. It's hilarious.

 Tomorrow some ladies and I are planning on getting together to do some yard DIY. Ladybugs out of bowling balls. Crooked tower of planters. That sort of thing. I will take pictures and post as well as pin. I need to badly do something with my yard, front and back. I just don't have the time. Good thing Husband is a awesome landscaper, he's going to take care of it for me :D He's been killing time doing landscaping and such around town for awhile. We are STILL dealing with railroad garbage and getting him back on. More and more people are coming forward with being colorblind so it looks like a matter of time before Husband gets back on. And we get major backpay for the whole time he has been off. :D :D :D YEs I'm greedy, I like my bills being paid, what can I say. I don't mind going through a bit of a stressful period because I know my rainbow is at the end and what a rainbow it will be UGH! I get frustrated because I get tired of seeing myself as well as others who work hard to do things the right way, who don't rely on anyone else or on the government in anyway, and who don't do things easy way out, end up screwed over in the end. Over pretty much anything nowadays. You are nice to people, they end up walking all over you. Meanwhile, people who are lazy, or who do things the wrong way and knowingly I might add, end up always okay. It sucks sometimes. But in the end, everything will be okay, and if it isn't okay right now, it just means it's not the end right? Right.

 So I ordered an outfit a few days ago. The one I'm wearing out for our anniversary. It's big for me. It's my deadline for my big weight loss extravaganza ( I love that word!) as well as the anniversary of our wedding, as well as something new, fabulous and sort of daring. I might put up a picture...It's super cute and totally not me, which is why I got it. I can't wait. I have lost fifteen pounds already in three weeks. I am completely disappointed in myself because I didn't work out very much this week. I blame the flu but I got lazy, I can't lie. So this weekend will be major workout jam and then back to my grueling schedule during the work week. 5am comes way too early no matter what time one gets up....

 Short and sweet and filled with absolutely nothing. That's how today's blog is. Just felt in the mood to write and jot something down and I accomplished that. So now I'm going to make you all jealous and go do a load of laundry. I might play with my new-to-me breadmaker that I just scored today. Make some yummy bread :)) I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend, because no matter what, it is afterall the weekend :)) *Beckie*

Happy Mother's Day!

Such a little handprint. This is Bug's Mother's Day gift for me. Her teachers at Head Start helped her make this as well as purchased the supplies for her and her classmates to make these. It's one of the reasons I appreciate teachers, especially the ones at Head Start, they always go over and beyond. We have had two awesome years at Head Start and Thursday we watched as our Bug and the rest of her classmates put on a really cute presentation and finished their Head Start learning. I now live with a kindergartner :D I'm proud and excited buuuuut....It is very bittersweet. Not my baby anymore :( Pretty soon I will be blogging about her prom night and then graduation. Heartbreaking I tell you....

This is Ignacio's gift for me. The tag says that I'm tea-riffic <3 Bean is just not one into coloring yet. Partially because we suspect he is color blind like his father. Which totally sucks because I have like no idea how I am supposed to teach this boy his colors. THAT should be awesome *eye roll* But he was ever so sweet to me in giving me this and then later when he and Bug were outside playing and bringing me handfuls of dandelions.

I love that children are innocent and sweet. They just don't know how horrendous those "flowers" are, lol. But they are pretties and mommy needs them in her vase all of the time. And you just can't break their little hearts and tell them that these are not the type of flowers anyone really wants. Especially when they just have these beautiful faces and give you big hugs and a kiss on your cheek and tell you 'I love you mommy' in their sweet little voices. You take those flowers and put them in a vase and go overboard telling your babies how awesome they are because in all honesty, that is your children showing kindness, care, love, and everything wonderful that you want them to know in life. It's quite the awesome feeling :D

Mother's Day is in a day. Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers and grandmothers out there by the way! I love that we get an entire day of celebration for just doing what we do. I love that. Whether we are stay-at-home mothers, or working mothers. Whether we breastfeed or bottle feed. Whether we co-sleep or let them sleep in their cribs. Whether we cloth diaper or disposable diaper. Whether we let our children drink soda or whether they drink strictly nutritional drinks or just water. It doesn't matter how we do what we do, it's the fact that we do what we do because we think and feel it is the best way. Because all of us mothers have one thing in common: We want the very best for our children and try to do a good job at giving them that.

Tomorrow can be bittersweet to lots of moms out there including myself. It makes me think of my three babies who aren't here. Too many parents have lost their children far too early and I hate that. Despite God doing what is in His plan, He is still ripping out the hearts of mothers everywhere by doing just that. And it's hard watching parents out there not appreciating what they have and being lazy because there really are so many people out there who could be doing a lot better of a job but can't. I don't talk a lot about my angels because even as long as it has been, it is still hard. And unfair. And a lot of people don't know how to really deal with it. Unless you are one of those people who say things like, "But it's ok, you still have two kids, be grateful." Ouch! In that case, just hush and don't say anything at all....In my case, Ignacio was the last baby for me because I physically can't have anymore. In simple terms, I am allergic to hormones. I get very sick when I take birth control or any other medicine with added hormones. When I become pregnant my body throws blood clots until I miscarry. And with each time I get pregnant, it gets worse. I get sick and have to rely on medicine to make sure my blood doesn't shoot clots and it takes a toll on my body. So with Bean, I was advised to make sure he was my last baby and Husband bravely went and got a vasectomy three different ways.

Every mom has her miracle story, every child is a miracle all in itself. With Bug, I spent about eight months on bed rest. Everything that could go wrong, did. But she was a very easy delivery thank you Jesus. I had high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, PUPPP (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy) except that it started in the very beginning of my second trimester and was full head to toe and folks, think Chicken Pox, but with no remedies. I would soak in hot baths twice a day and could hardly wear clothes or let anything touch my body, it was HORRIBLE! Bug also was an ectopic pregnancy. I was told to abort her, that she would not survive in any case but they didn't want to risk losing me or my lady parts. Obviously, we didn't abort her and a big HA! to the doctors who felt we should have. They told us her egg sac was misshapen due to her being ectopic and I would miscarry. Then after a few weeks of that, I had to hear how she was tearing away from my uterus and I would lose her then too. We dealt with a stressful pregnancy to say the very least. Then when it came time for delivery, she just didn't want to come out. I was actually a week overdue with her and thanks to my doctor having an important fishing trip, I was induced. I told my doctor that I was so fed up, that I would only allow three hours of labor and delivery. I was not sitting around for a day or two for this. He laughed at me. I was induced at 7pm on September 30th, began having contractions at 10pm, and at 12:38am on October first, Hannah made her entrance to this world. Two pushes. Zero pain meds before, during or after. I won. Less than three hours of labor. HA! Mutterings of a pregnant girl my butt...

Beanie was an easy pregnancy compared to Hannah. Gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and luckily because I took some IV fluids in the first few weeks, everything was okay blood clot wise. I did have preterm labor a few times with him but he stayed in until I was thirty-eight weeks. He was breech from week fourteen on so we had a c-section with him. I was scared out of my mind but it went wonderfully. They gave me a spinal block and he was pulled out about thirteen minutes into it. I took no pain meds with him either. It hurt but I got up six hours after I had him and walked like crazy. Best thing ever, that walking! I went home the next day even. I'm a tough cookie ;)

I had three pregnancies that didn't end well. I was sixteen weeks when I lost my first pregnancy, thirteen weeks with my third pregnancy, and thirteen with my fourth pregnancy. All after the "safe point". I miscarried my first in the hospital. They did an autopsy before the burial and found out she was a girl. I named her Ashleigh. The other two were named Gabriel and Morgan. It's a very hard thing to go through, a miscarriage. But sadly, it's very common as well. It adds to our strength as women, and it helps us appreciate life a bit more fully. They say people don't appreciate life until someone they know has passed away or they have come close to dying themselves...

Mother's Day is a special day. It celebrates what we go through to be mothers. The challenges, the struggles, the victories (potty training!), the successes and of course our strength. Because in all honesty, no one could do what we do, like we do :) So don't be lazy, tell your mother, grandmother, wife, girl-friend and mommy friends, you love them and thank them for being awesome mommies. And if you are a mommy, then enjoy fully not just tomorrow, but everyday with your blessings. It truly is a blessing to be a mommy, one that should never be taken for granted. <3

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Blog Change

I have to apologize to my followers, I didn't know that changing my blog title would screw it up so much. It deleted all of you and messed with my syndication on Networked Blogs and facebook automatic posting. Oops! I apologize and hope you excuse the mess... *Beckie*

It's Picture Day!

So my daughter asked a random question the other day that spurred her daddy to act out on it. "Have you ever wondered what would happen if you froze a water balloon dad? Do you think it would freeze in the same shape? Would it break?" So Husband took out our collection of a thousand water balloons (we enjoy water fights here a little too much, lol) and he filled two and stuck them in the freezer. Last night we pulled them out and played with them for a bit. Ever stuck salt on an ice ball? It's interesting. The kidlets got a little mini lesson on water and ice and it was fun too. Afterwards we just tossed them around outside with our golf clubs and baseball bats and then they eventually disappeared.

 We did a craft back during Easter and I wanted to post it up but never really had the time. I do now so I thought I'd post it now. It turned out really cute and shockingly, I didn't get it off of pinterest, I got it from the nursing home where I work.

I spent an hour the night before shaving down crayons, and putting the shavings into the containers that would make it easy for the kidlets to use. I set up my ironing board and let them use it to put their papers on. And then it was grab a color of shavings and sprinkle them onto their paper.

There was no real rhyme or reason to how we sprinkled the colors, Bean just sort of pinched and dumped as you can see above, and Bug did hers as girly and dainty as she could. I ended up putting more onto hers because otherwise there would not have been enough color to iron. 

I used construction paper and cut out an Easter Egg shape and taped it to our wax papers. And then we hung them in the windows where the colors really came out. They were really pretty contrary to how they look above. I didn't think much about them until I put them in the windows. You can do any shape and color, we chose eggs because of Easter and all but I think we might do this for each holiday now. And try out different color schemes too. Red, white and blue for the Fourth of July coming up :)

I discovered last week that I regained back a lot of the weight that took me over a year to take off. In total I had lost sixty pounds. And I was incredibly proud of what I did. I still am in fact. But due to health issues of loss of control over my blood sugar and hypoglycemia, I quit taking care of my diet and let myself go again. And as of last week, I got to see my consequences. The weird thing is that I am still wearing my pants, they are a little tight but I haven't had to move up in size. But the scale shows the higher numbers so I gotta go with that. I'm disappointed but also okay with it to a certain extent. It happens. I'm not perfect and I never want to be. I'm also not a size one and I never want to be that either. I love my curves, my hips are my favorite part of my body, and I know my curves are what keeps my husband lusting after me ;) I'm not sick and I'm not un-healthy by being curvy. If I can't accept myself at my weakest though, then I definitely won't be able to accept myself when I'm at my strongest. But with that all said, I would really like to wear a swimsuit this summer and feel good in it. My issues with my weight haven't been just the weight itself, it's my self esteem and I feel like I am finally winning that battle :D So today I spent two hours at the gym and it felt great! I would have been longer, my goal was four hours but Husband got called in to work so I had to cut it early. Tomorrow I will double it and make it my four hours after church. I want to go in as much as I can on the weekends because I know my time is limited during the week. My goal is to drop at least forty-five pounds and hopefully, I can do it before my anniversary. I found a gorgeous dress and plan on wearing it on the night we go out to celebrate seven wonderful years. :D

My Bug lost another tooth yesterday. She came home from daycare and told me she had a loose tooth. I didn't think much of it because she has lost six teeth already so I figured we would have a break in between teeth falling out. So I dropped the kidlets off here at the house with Husband and I went off to the store and to run some various errands. I came back an hour later and discovered my Bug jumping around me right as I walked in the door, yelling about how she lost the tooth! She had been wiggling it and ended up popping it right out all on her own. So tooth number seven is gone and done with. And her sixth birthday is just a few months away too. I think when I was her age I had lost one tooth. I only hope Bean doesn't end up losing his as fast. His didn't come in as fast as Hannah's did so I figure he'll be slower in losing them. I hope. I hate teeth. I always have that nightmare where my teeth fall out of my mouth with no help from anything. It's awful.

Along with my working out this weekend, I am also cleaning out my messy office, rearranging and prepping it for my new desk. And I am also creating a cake-ful masterpiece. I decided to make a cake for Hannah's teachers and the other staff at Head Start. Thursday is Hannah's last day and we get an ice cream social, pictures from the year's activities and a time to say goodbye to the wonderful teachers she has been with for two years. I will be sad but not as bad because Ignacio begins his Head Start journey next fall. The sad part is thinking of my daughter who is going to be a kindergartner. It's shocking! And saddening. I bought the Dr. Suess book, Oh The Places You'll Go! and had her teachers sign it already. I found the idea on pinterest. Every year I will have her teachers sign the book on a different page and when she graduates high school, it will be part of her gift from us all. I will also be taking her picture on the first day every year and putting them into a special book along with a survey. The same one she'll take yearly. And that will also be a gift to her when she graduates. I have a few ideas that we are going to do. When she graduates, she'll have quite the fun basket of gifts from us. We'll do the same thing for Ignacio too of course. And I'm pulling out my wedding dress this year too and plan on her wearing it for me for a few pictures. And for her wedding day, we'll be comparing how she looks <3

So today is quite busy busy but it has been nice to blog for a little bit of it :) I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend as well :) For me I am off to make a few phone calls, catch up on some e-mails and then cooking and baking. Which would be made MUCH easier with my fantasy KitchenAid mixer ;) *HINTHINTHusbandHINTHINT*! LoL. I have been very subtle but rumor has it he's been looking ;) So, I'm off for now, tra-la-la-la-la! See you sooooon! *Beckie*