One thing I have managed to say (with pride mind you!) is how I have managed to live in snowy places, about ninety percent of my life, and that I have never fallen on ice. Not when my grandmother took me ice skating for the first few times of my life, not when my father attempted to ice fish that one year, not even when I took my daughter skating for the first time in her life. No sir, I have never fallen on ice in my entire life. Until last night however. Twenty-seven years, and eight days old and I finally fell on my butt on ice. And you know, other than it being cold, it wasn't that bad. Until this morning. I felt like I was about eighty-something years old. Rubbing my hips, my neck and hunched over due to the pain in my back. Thank goodness for my large backside, I barely feel my tailbone bruising. But I survived so alls well that ends well I suppose...
Have you seen or read The Help yet? I am addicted to most southern movies due to my obsession with all things southern. I got accepted into both University of Mississippi and Georgia State back when I graduated high school. Both were my top colleges of preference. But then mommy dearest said no to both and life events happened and I ended up back in Montana awaiting prince charming himself ; ) I started reading the book today and feel like re-watching the movie again. I wish it had been longer : (
Tonight's challenge since I really need to pick it up and go again, is something I hope to never do. That takes thinking. Your average answer is almost always going to be "Bury my child(ren)" which doesn't count for me as I have buried three. Been there done that. I could also state obviously "never go to prison" let's face it, I'm not your typical badass who is borderline prison meat so that's out of the question. Maybe "never start a rock band' should be mine, but then again, I don't care for rock sooo, that again leaves me out. Instead I think a serious one will be, I hope I never become like the people I dislike. That's realistic, rarely heard, and actually number two in my book, so sounds good to me!
I'm very good natured, friendly, smiley, and very respectful. I am one of those people who gets shy around new people (believe it or not) and would have to be the one approached versus approaching others. Even if I know a few people, if it's a large group gathering, I tend to stick to myself just because I feel uncomfortable, but it's never because I'm snotty or better than anyone. I've gotten that alot. There's a difference between stuck up and shy, and even though it's hard to tell which one is which, there are times and people, that make it very easy to see. And I try very hard not to be that wrong type of person. I don't usually care about someone's background, or who they hang out with or what clothes they wear. I am one of the rare ones in this town who really could care less who your parents are, what you do for a living, what your last name is and how much money you have. I'm not a cliquey person and I don't gossip behind other people's back hurtfully. I have never been "fake" I consider myself to be pretty real and I do put others first. And when people hurt me, I am quite the sucker because I forgive and stay friends with them, sometimes stupidly. I don't want to be like my mother in any way, and I want to be like my father in the good ways. I don't want to be known like the people in town know each other, and there are many people I don't ever want to be like. It's hard to fit in in a place like this but then again real easy as long as you know who you are and who not to be. Easy enough right? Psssh...
I do know that one day, I want to know where to fit in and who I am. I think that is life's challenge. Figuring yourself out in the right amount of time. At least that is mine it seems like...
January 28, 2012
January 25, 2012
Drip. Drip. Drip.
You know. Seriously. Hot water? Heat? Amaaaazing luxuries. Yes, luxuries. Well, maybe not heat so much but definitely hot water. For the past three days I have been dressed to the nines in layers and boiling water for every use possible. And have realized how much nicer life is with luxuries. I'll get to that in a minute though.
Our visit in Montana went well. We said goodbye to Grandma Ella and celebrated my birthday on the same day. I got to visit with my family and friends throughout the visit. And I got to enjoy a few days of no work. I won't lie, that could possibly be the best part of it all. Well, not really but a darn near close second. One of my favorites was the smell. Mountain air smells so much nicer than any other air out there. And yes folks, air has a smell. Just like water has a taste. Don't argue with me.
Coming home however was a blast. We arrived after a very long 16 hour drive to find somewhere between 13 to 15 thousand gallons of water in our basement. No furnace which means no heat and no hot water tank which means no hot water. Such joy. After three days and constant prayer, the basement got sump pumped, the water eater got fixed and the furnace has a small glimmer of hope of working again. *sigh*
I began work at my new job yesterday. I really like it and the new routine is actually going really well. It's not bad getting up at 6am every morning. As long as I am asleep by 10pm. Which isn't too bad either. Actually sleeping at night is wonderful. I usually don't fall asleep until 1am and wake up at 7 feeling awful all day long. Next week I will begin throwing in morning workouts. Not that I need to, I walk about two miles a day. Literally.
My daughter decided thanks to a classmate, that she wants to do dance class. Lucky for her they are beginning a class next week and I got her in it. 6 weeks of beginner ballet and then maybe jazz or tap after that. I like that. She's not really the ballet type but she needs something and there is nothing else around her to do so we'll attempt this. I'd rather gymnastics in all honesty...So now I get to order the leotards and ballet slippers and hope her hair pulls back in a little bun again. I have to admit, at least there is a cute factor in all this.
My son can start school this fall. I wasn't too worried about it because I was all no-no-no-no-not-my-baby-not-yet, hysterical about it but when I told the husband casually, I was told yes-yes-yes-get-used-to-it. He turns three in August. He's my baby. He'll be starting Awana too. With my daughter it was like time wouldn't come fast enough and now it speeds up faster than I would like to. How did this happen!?!? My baby is growing up and I despise it. If I was able to have more without dying, this wouldn't be such a big deal mind you. Husband and I have been talking about the adopting and such. It might be time since baby fever has struck abut a year ago and has no signs of leaving....
I'm skipping my challenge for tonight. It's almost bedtime and I have plans of getting a backrub before then :))
I turned 27. I didn't melt about it. Husband let me choose between the camera of my dreams or the sewing machine of my dreams. I chose both. Just gave up the dream sewing machine and settled for Wal-Mart special instead, lol. I'm spoiled and work hard for my money. I'll get what I want somehow. Even if the sewing machine technically comes out of my paycheck. What, like I can't buy myself a birthday gift?
Nine minutes before bed and I'm wondering how many pages of Twilight I can get in. I'm on book four and in the middle of it. This is about the tenth time of reading it. What are you reading right now??
*Beckie*
January 15, 2012
Get a fry, catch-up and run!
My husband has gotten addicted to Son of Anarchy. I used to be so anti-Netflix in the past. What's the point when you have DirectTv and DVR? But. Husband turned off our DirectTv about a week ago.Sadness I know. I'm sure China heard my sobs. But. It turns out, it wasn't a bad move at all. I can watch all my current shows online, minus my SisterWives but I can at least get those on DVD, so whatever. And, I'm at least able to enjoy some other tv shows and catch up form the beginnings of others. I'm re-watching Grey's from the very beginning. And Prison Break. Love that show. And that's how husband is watching an entire season of Sons of Anarchy right now. Thank goodness for my laptop. I am not crazy about this show so I'm running into a nice hot bath to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy or two.
In other news, we found out a few days ago that my cousin's grandma passed away. Wouldn't usually be such a big thing but this woman was the sweetest woman I ever knew. Always treated me like I was one of her own grandkids and so I grew up knowing her as Grandma. A little bit of random trivia for you. I was raised by my father but also by my cousins. It's sad that I have more memories with them than my own mother. I was surrounded by their six boys, two who were out on their own by then, and the other four who were the brothers I never had, but in a way did. My father worked full time in a bar a few miles from where we lived. He'd go to work while I was in school so I'd go from school to my cousin's house and then spend the night and go back to school. Somedays I 'd be there for multiple days, others, I'd be back home with dad when he got a day off. I'd don't regret it or feel sad by it. My dad being a single father did what most didn't, one is, he got custody of me, and two, he worked his butt off to take care of me and made sure I had everything I needed or even wanted. My father was a great man...
So before I get weepy on you, we are spending the next few days getting ready to head over to Montana for the funeral and to visit my family. The hardest thing is getting time off from work. I have four job, about to make it five in another two weeks, and getting time off from all of them takes time. But thankfully all of my bosses are amazing and worked with me and I am free until Monday. So for today I'm playing catch-up (ketchup? Get it?) and going to do two blogs in one. Two challenges in one I should say. As well as let you in on what was going on so that once we do leave, if I get time in to pop a blog up, great! If not, you'll understand.
So, challenge numero quatro, someone who I need to forgive. Or something like that. Well, going with today's theme of family and such. I'm going to spit out the dreaded "M". Mother. I get that we as parents are going to screw up from time to time. You may think you have it all down, you may think you can avoid any crisis given to you or that you know better than anyone else. The thing is though, you will never know how much you mess your child up or what mistakes you ever made until they are grown adults. And I don't care who you or your mother or father are, they've made a few mistakes. Everyone does. The thing with my poorly spun family web, is that only the bad things have been passed on it seems. My mother blames her mistakes on her mother. My grandmother places her blames upon her mother and so on and so forth. Since I severed the ties between my mother and myself, the hard part is that when my children come to me with my mistakes, it means I get to own them as my own and place the blame upon noone. I also face life knowing I will screw up but hoping, praying that my children will love me through the mistakes and forgive me better than I forgive myself and my mother.
You know when a young child comes around telling people how their parent loves their sibling more than they love them? Nothing could be closer to the truth with me. Thanks to my father and to my cousins, I turned out relatively normal (you'd have to meet me to understand what I mean by that) and in my family, normal is not okay. I wasn't bi-polar, I didn't have ADD, I wasn't "Special" by any means nor did I require any special attention. Being able to fend for myself and take care of myself since I was 8, was the best and yet worst quality of myself. I wish I could forgive her for that but even to this day, she pulls this favoritism thing. My sister was a drug abuser for a few years. Had two beautiful little girls who she couldn't take care of and yet no matter how many times she messed up or the things she did to mess up, my mother was always running to her side. I never asked for help because the times I did, I was refused so I learned to quit. She depended on me too much and the one time I told her no, that was the day she wrote me, her own daughter off. All for a few hundred dollars...
So that's my gripping story. I watch mothers and their daughters as they shop, have these "girl days" or hear about how close they are and all that and while a part of me wishes for that, how nice that would have been, the biggest part of me is really glad that's not how life turned out. I can, afterall, take care of myself. Having my husband has been the best and biggest blessing but without him, I'd still be here, taking care and doing me. After my father died, I closed off the biggest part of me. I quit trusting people and letting them in because right around that time I lost a few friends, a few people betrayed me, and both of my parents left. A person doesn't just walk out perfect after that, you know what I mean? Maybe that helps explain why I'm so closed off to religion. Bad things happen that make you stronger, I get it, but I guess the hardest thing is being so "good" and working so hard to be such a "good" person and then getting kicked in the end like a puppy who peed on the rug. Not once, but a few times...
Luckily, this girl can't be kept down too long. I'm back to almost normal, with just a few adjustments. My friends know who they are, the people who think they can hurt me anymore...I literally laugh because well, I'm kinda unbreakable at this point. And pretty proud of it too.
My life not being perfect, or even normal for that matter, sounds bad, but it is actually something pretty outstanding. I am the person who lives the life that my daughter will never have to be, have to live and I know the type of person to never become. I may a mother, but I'll never be like my mother.
Onto something less depressing and grim...
Numero cinco, something I hope to do in my life. Lots of things. But when I close my eyes and clear my mind, I know that I want to travel. I really want to go places I've never been, take photos, store up stories for my grandkids, and watch the sky at night to see what the stars look like on other sides of the Earth. Lame and corny but what can I say? I'm kinda corny : )
So kids, that'll be all for tonight. I'm going to finish this up, go click on my electric blanket and settle in my bed to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Love that show and that lame theme song grabs me all the time.
Ciao bellas!
*Beckie*
In other news, we found out a few days ago that my cousin's grandma passed away. Wouldn't usually be such a big thing but this woman was the sweetest woman I ever knew. Always treated me like I was one of her own grandkids and so I grew up knowing her as Grandma. A little bit of random trivia for you. I was raised by my father but also by my cousins. It's sad that I have more memories with them than my own mother. I was surrounded by their six boys, two who were out on their own by then, and the other four who were the brothers I never had, but in a way did. My father worked full time in a bar a few miles from where we lived. He'd go to work while I was in school so I'd go from school to my cousin's house and then spend the night and go back to school. Somedays I 'd be there for multiple days, others, I'd be back home with dad when he got a day off. I'd don't regret it or feel sad by it. My dad being a single father did what most didn't, one is, he got custody of me, and two, he worked his butt off to take care of me and made sure I had everything I needed or even wanted. My father was a great man...
So before I get weepy on you, we are spending the next few days getting ready to head over to Montana for the funeral and to visit my family. The hardest thing is getting time off from work. I have four job, about to make it five in another two weeks, and getting time off from all of them takes time. But thankfully all of my bosses are amazing and worked with me and I am free until Monday. So for today I'm playing catch-up (ketchup? Get it?) and going to do two blogs in one. Two challenges in one I should say. As well as let you in on what was going on so that once we do leave, if I get time in to pop a blog up, great! If not, you'll understand.
So, challenge numero quatro, someone who I need to forgive. Or something like that. Well, going with today's theme of family and such. I'm going to spit out the dreaded "M". Mother. I get that we as parents are going to screw up from time to time. You may think you have it all down, you may think you can avoid any crisis given to you or that you know better than anyone else. The thing is though, you will never know how much you mess your child up or what mistakes you ever made until they are grown adults. And I don't care who you or your mother or father are, they've made a few mistakes. Everyone does. The thing with my poorly spun family web, is that only the bad things have been passed on it seems. My mother blames her mistakes on her mother. My grandmother places her blames upon her mother and so on and so forth. Since I severed the ties between my mother and myself, the hard part is that when my children come to me with my mistakes, it means I get to own them as my own and place the blame upon noone. I also face life knowing I will screw up but hoping, praying that my children will love me through the mistakes and forgive me better than I forgive myself and my mother.
You know when a young child comes around telling people how their parent loves their sibling more than they love them? Nothing could be closer to the truth with me. Thanks to my father and to my cousins, I turned out relatively normal (you'd have to meet me to understand what I mean by that) and in my family, normal is not okay. I wasn't bi-polar, I didn't have ADD, I wasn't "Special" by any means nor did I require any special attention. Being able to fend for myself and take care of myself since I was 8, was the best and yet worst quality of myself. I wish I could forgive her for that but even to this day, she pulls this favoritism thing. My sister was a drug abuser for a few years. Had two beautiful little girls who she couldn't take care of and yet no matter how many times she messed up or the things she did to mess up, my mother was always running to her side. I never asked for help because the times I did, I was refused so I learned to quit. She depended on me too much and the one time I told her no, that was the day she wrote me, her own daughter off. All for a few hundred dollars...
So that's my gripping story. I watch mothers and their daughters as they shop, have these "girl days" or hear about how close they are and all that and while a part of me wishes for that, how nice that would have been, the biggest part of me is really glad that's not how life turned out. I can, afterall, take care of myself. Having my husband has been the best and biggest blessing but without him, I'd still be here, taking care and doing me. After my father died, I closed off the biggest part of me. I quit trusting people and letting them in because right around that time I lost a few friends, a few people betrayed me, and both of my parents left. A person doesn't just walk out perfect after that, you know what I mean? Maybe that helps explain why I'm so closed off to religion. Bad things happen that make you stronger, I get it, but I guess the hardest thing is being so "good" and working so hard to be such a "good" person and then getting kicked in the end like a puppy who peed on the rug. Not once, but a few times...
Luckily, this girl can't be kept down too long. I'm back to almost normal, with just a few adjustments. My friends know who they are, the people who think they can hurt me anymore...I literally laugh because well, I'm kinda unbreakable at this point. And pretty proud of it too.
My life not being perfect, or even normal for that matter, sounds bad, but it is actually something pretty outstanding. I am the person who lives the life that my daughter will never have to be, have to live and I know the type of person to never become. I may a mother, but I'll never be like my mother.
Onto something less depressing and grim...
Numero cinco, something I hope to do in my life. Lots of things. But when I close my eyes and clear my mind, I know that I want to travel. I really want to go places I've never been, take photos, store up stories for my grandkids, and watch the sky at night to see what the stars look like on other sides of the Earth. Lame and corny but what can I say? I'm kinda corny : )
So kids, that'll be all for tonight. I'm going to finish this up, go click on my electric blanket and settle in my bed to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Love that show and that lame theme song grabs me all the time.
Ciao bellas!
*Beckie*
January 8, 2012
Something to forgive myself for.
This one gets way too personal for me. I have done a lot of screwing up in my life. Everyone has. It's the lessons we learn afterwards that count, not the mistakes itself. They are only worth making if you learn from them my dad always said. But there is always that one mistake that obviously, you can't take it back, and that you will hold onto forever. And trust me, it is one of the worst things...
My father, was one of the most important people in my life. I will throw him in here from time to time because even almost two years after his death, he is still so very important to me. One thing I learned is that when people tell you to never take a single day for granted, it may sound like just another overused phrase, unless you have lost someone in some form or another. I wish I had just one more day with my father. I wish I had taken advantage of everyday I had with him much better than I did. I naively ignored the fact that his time was limited and pretended everything would always be wonderful and fine. And that caused me to have the biggest regret of my life.
I got sick almost two years ago. I felt like crap, and was extremely lazy and tired and cranky. I visited my father in the hospital at least three times a day. We'd watch our shows together, I'd bring the kids with me to visit, I'd go and drop off food and goodies, and I'd go to pick up and drop off mail and bills. Even in the hospital, that man took care of business. And in between visits, I'd call at least three or four times a day. But when I got sick, I didn't call and I didn't visit. I told him two days before he died that I was sick and not feeling good, he and the nurses both told me to stay away as his immunity was shot thanks to the cancer. So for two days I slept and hung out at home. I took my kids to daycare so I could have the house to myself and hopefully get better. And I spent the last two days of my father's life sitting at home being sick and lazy. I woke up at three in the morning on Mother's day to a phone call telling me he passed away in his sleep. And I have spent everyday since, feeling guilty.
Now, I have heard over and over again about how I shouldn't feel guilty, I was after all told to not go in and visit, I would do harm and no good and all that. But it's the phone calls I didn't make that played into it.
I had a friend at that time, who as disbelieving as it may sound, was on the psychic side. And I firmly believed her. Because not only did she do a reading on me previously, but a few weeks before my father passed away, she called me out of the blue and told me she had a dream that my father wouldn't live past the first week of spring. I didn't believe it at the time. Until he died the week after spring started. A few months after he died, she called me after we had stopped speaking and told me that she had a vision of my father come to her, and that he had told her to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. That he was finally at peace and was proud and thankful to have had me as his daughter. And then she told me that he said to tell me that I needed to not wonder, my grandmother was proud of me as well and they were both watching over me. The reason I believe this is that as soon as my father died, I quit speaking to most everybody. I hadn't talked to this friend and certainly hadn't told her of my guilt. I told Abel and that was it. This blog is the second "person" to know. So how did she know? And my grandmother...She died before my parents even met. I have always asked questions about her and wondered about if she would have liked me (corny I know) and if I was ever anything like her. And no, I never shared this bit of info with anyone other than my father. It's kind of like proof to me that the vision was true. And whether anyone wants to debate it or not, nothing can be said to sway me. Sometimes, you just have to have faith of a mustard seed.....
I carry guilt for losing the last two days with my father. I blame myself for being lazy for not calling him. I get pissed wondering why I had to get sick at the point in time, why not days after. Why not weeks after. But asking the whys and analyzing a situation over and over again can eat a person up. And that's what I let it do for awhile. One day I will actually let it go and forgive myself. And I will never again take for granted people and the time we have here in life. I'm renewing friendships and continuously working at building my life all of the time. And I work hard at figuring myself out too. I have spent the last year totally and completely lost. Wandering around religions, swaying towards different hobbies and ways of keeping myself temporarily busy and happy, never realizing that because of guilt from one event would throw me way crazy. But you know, it is never too late. As long as you are breathing there is always time to reclaim yourself and find your way back "home". If you are lucky and smart that is. Luckily my brain cells have begun to resurface...
So that right there is my horrible, shameful thing that I need to one day forgive myself for. I can't think of anything worse, but don't judge me because of it. I know that if my father were still here, he'd tell me to get on and quit beating myself up over something in the past. But sometimes, it's just not that easy.
My father, was one of the most important people in my life. I will throw him in here from time to time because even almost two years after his death, he is still so very important to me. One thing I learned is that when people tell you to never take a single day for granted, it may sound like just another overused phrase, unless you have lost someone in some form or another. I wish I had just one more day with my father. I wish I had taken advantage of everyday I had with him much better than I did. I naively ignored the fact that his time was limited and pretended everything would always be wonderful and fine. And that caused me to have the biggest regret of my life.
I got sick almost two years ago. I felt like crap, and was extremely lazy and tired and cranky. I visited my father in the hospital at least three times a day. We'd watch our shows together, I'd bring the kids with me to visit, I'd go and drop off food and goodies, and I'd go to pick up and drop off mail and bills. Even in the hospital, that man took care of business. And in between visits, I'd call at least three or four times a day. But when I got sick, I didn't call and I didn't visit. I told him two days before he died that I was sick and not feeling good, he and the nurses both told me to stay away as his immunity was shot thanks to the cancer. So for two days I slept and hung out at home. I took my kids to daycare so I could have the house to myself and hopefully get better. And I spent the last two days of my father's life sitting at home being sick and lazy. I woke up at three in the morning on Mother's day to a phone call telling me he passed away in his sleep. And I have spent everyday since, feeling guilty.
Now, I have heard over and over again about how I shouldn't feel guilty, I was after all told to not go in and visit, I would do harm and no good and all that. But it's the phone calls I didn't make that played into it.
I had a friend at that time, who as disbelieving as it may sound, was on the psychic side. And I firmly believed her. Because not only did she do a reading on me previously, but a few weeks before my father passed away, she called me out of the blue and told me she had a dream that my father wouldn't live past the first week of spring. I didn't believe it at the time. Until he died the week after spring started. A few months after he died, she called me after we had stopped speaking and told me that she had a vision of my father come to her, and that he had told her to tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty. That he was finally at peace and was proud and thankful to have had me as his daughter. And then she told me that he said to tell me that I needed to not wonder, my grandmother was proud of me as well and they were both watching over me. The reason I believe this is that as soon as my father died, I quit speaking to most everybody. I hadn't talked to this friend and certainly hadn't told her of my guilt. I told Abel and that was it. This blog is the second "person" to know. So how did she know? And my grandmother...She died before my parents even met. I have always asked questions about her and wondered about if she would have liked me (corny I know) and if I was ever anything like her. And no, I never shared this bit of info with anyone other than my father. It's kind of like proof to me that the vision was true. And whether anyone wants to debate it or not, nothing can be said to sway me. Sometimes, you just have to have faith of a mustard seed.....
I carry guilt for losing the last two days with my father. I blame myself for being lazy for not calling him. I get pissed wondering why I had to get sick at the point in time, why not days after. Why not weeks after. But asking the whys and analyzing a situation over and over again can eat a person up. And that's what I let it do for awhile. One day I will actually let it go and forgive myself. And I will never again take for granted people and the time we have here in life. I'm renewing friendships and continuously working at building my life all of the time. And I work hard at figuring myself out too. I have spent the last year totally and completely lost. Wandering around religions, swaying towards different hobbies and ways of keeping myself temporarily busy and happy, never realizing that because of guilt from one event would throw me way crazy. But you know, it is never too late. As long as you are breathing there is always time to reclaim yourself and find your way back "home". If you are lucky and smart that is. Luckily my brain cells have begun to resurface...
So that right there is my horrible, shameful thing that I need to one day forgive myself for. I can't think of anything worse, but don't judge me because of it. I know that if my father were still here, he'd tell me to get on and quit beating myself up over something in the past. But sometimes, it's just not that easy.
January 7, 2012
What I love about myself
This one is a definite thinker as well. I'm not the kind of person who enjoys thinking about myself. Although, it probably would boost my self esteem a tad bit, it still feels.....odd. But for the sake of the blog and my attack on these challenges, I shall do what I must!
I love that I hide. I work hard at not showing my weaknesses, that I fight to not show people when I'm hurt, or that life has me down. I love that when you ask people about me, they can't tell you anything other than I'm always happy and smiling. My dad taught me that just because you are down, it doesn't mean you have to get other people down. As he sat for 6 months in a hospital bed, knowing his time was limited, he never stopped smiling in front of the nurses and doctors. He was never short with them, or cranky and he always thanked them for doing what they did. I think that he thought he would be showing signs of weakness if he let on how he felt. I don't maintain that theory but I do maintain that it does absolutely no good to anyone if I pout or whine or am negative about anything. I smile to keep others smiling and in truth, even if I am faking happiness, it ends up cheering me up in the end, just faking it.
In life, I think people don't put others ahead of themselves anymore. People enjoy wallowing in their self pity too much. And they enjoy letting everyone know about it too. I think that is a true sign of weakness. Everyone needs someone to vent to, to lean on, and that is completely understandable. But it doesn't mean take it to facebook. Which I have done many times in the past. It is nice to have an outlet reaching so many people all at once but it doesn't make it right or the best choice. I know that now. So I'm going to use one of my best features and putting them to use. I'm faking it on facebook!! I'm going to be as cheerful and as positive and uplifting no matter what a crummy day I have had. I'm going to re-examine what I say, write or portray in anyway from now on, and adjust it before I do it. Does that make sense?
I guess I don't really know what brought that on. I got a wonderful message this morning thanking me for being so bright and cheerful when they knew I had issues going on, and that my latest postings of motivational stuff was helping them as well. It was very thoughtful and nice reading it and made me feel so good. So then as I was writing what I loved about myself, it stuck out. What my family, friends and even a therapist or two has told me about my harming myself by keeping everything held in, is actually a wonderful thing for others. Don't worry though, I don't keep everything stuffed inside waiting to blow up. My poor and yet wonderful husband endures my venting and a few close friends are my lean-upons. But that's as far as it goes.
How's that sound for what I love about myself?
I love that I hide. I work hard at not showing my weaknesses, that I fight to not show people when I'm hurt, or that life has me down. I love that when you ask people about me, they can't tell you anything other than I'm always happy and smiling. My dad taught me that just because you are down, it doesn't mean you have to get other people down. As he sat for 6 months in a hospital bed, knowing his time was limited, he never stopped smiling in front of the nurses and doctors. He was never short with them, or cranky and he always thanked them for doing what they did. I think that he thought he would be showing signs of weakness if he let on how he felt. I don't maintain that theory but I do maintain that it does absolutely no good to anyone if I pout or whine or am negative about anything. I smile to keep others smiling and in truth, even if I am faking happiness, it ends up cheering me up in the end, just faking it.
In life, I think people don't put others ahead of themselves anymore. People enjoy wallowing in their self pity too much. And they enjoy letting everyone know about it too. I think that is a true sign of weakness. Everyone needs someone to vent to, to lean on, and that is completely understandable. But it doesn't mean take it to facebook. Which I have done many times in the past. It is nice to have an outlet reaching so many people all at once but it doesn't make it right or the best choice. I know that now. So I'm going to use one of my best features and putting them to use. I'm faking it on facebook!! I'm going to be as cheerful and as positive and uplifting no matter what a crummy day I have had. I'm going to re-examine what I say, write or portray in anyway from now on, and adjust it before I do it. Does that make sense?
I guess I don't really know what brought that on. I got a wonderful message this morning thanking me for being so bright and cheerful when they knew I had issues going on, and that my latest postings of motivational stuff was helping them as well. It was very thoughtful and nice reading it and made me feel so good. So then as I was writing what I loved about myself, it stuck out. What my family, friends and even a therapist or two has told me about my harming myself by keeping everything held in, is actually a wonderful thing for others. Don't worry though, I don't keep everything stuffed inside waiting to blow up. My poor and yet wonderful husband endures my venting and a few close friends are my lean-upons. But that's as far as it goes.
How's that sound for what I love about myself?
January 5, 2012
Challenges.
Happy new year by the way. Hello 2012! It doesn't matter how bad or amazing 2011 was, I hope 2012 is even more awesome for everyone.
I made the usual resolutions, not expecting to fail but actually succeed with them. You know, the typical, gotta lose weight, be a better person, yada yada yada. We should focus on resolutions at all times of the year. And strive for goals when trying to be a better person. I'd rather people attempt to be better in some way rather than not even try.
At around this time last year, I was involved in a 30 day photo challenge of a type. I think the year before that one I also got involved in a music challenge too, I can't remember. But I think I will begin another challenge of sorts but this time doing it only on my blog. Giving it a bit more fun and excitement that forces you the reader to visit more ; ) I'm going to start off with a 30 Days Of Truths. You are welcome to participate with me, just let me know in the comment section where you are and when you begin :) I'd be honored to follow along :))
Here's the list:
Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I got this list from http://magicinthebackyard.wordpress.com/creativechallenges/ if you are interested in visiting that blog and looking through her other challenges. I plan on conquering all of them but we will start with this for now.
So onward and forward :D ......
Day 1. Something that I hate about myself. I actually had to think about this because on one hand I want to be honest and let you in on a piece of me that I don't usually let people see or be a part of. But on the other hand, I want to be real, and yet not be typical with my response. I actually want something deep and blog worthy at the same time. So. I hate that I am not the same person now that I used to be when I was younger and when I lived in Montana. I don't know why I'm not. It could be that I'm older. I have children. I'm not around the people I should be. The death of my father and loss of my mother. It could be a number of things. But I miss the old me. I laughed more. I cared less. I forgave more. I judged less. I was the Christian I needed to be. I was a better friend. A better wife. A better mother. I miss who I used to be but there aren't all negatives to the me now. But I will be using this fresh new year, to going back somewhat, to the old me. You take what you learn and use it for the future. And I will only fail if I don't better myself.
In bettering myself, I went through my facebook friends today. It took a few minutes but as each friend came up I would stop and say, why am I friends with this person, or how I missed that person, or I would feel really sad because I have grown distant from others. I need to be a better friend. That is one of my biggest goals this year.
I'm also going to be erasing all of my debts this year except for my car loan. I have so few left but the total amount is ghastly. So I want to be free by the end of this year. No longer held down by bills. Yuck!
And of course I want to lose my fat. Whether it be in inches or pounds, I don't care anymore. I want to tone up and lose the flab and grossness and be done with it. It's taken two years to go from an 18 to a 12 and from 220 pounds to 170. It's not enough. I'm not done. But. I soon will be :D
I also want to travel someplace new this year. I love traveling. I love going and exploring. And I want to see someplace new. Last year I got to see a few new states and explore new places and I wan to make that a yearly thing.
And of course, blog about all my adventures in the new year ; D
And this is the end of this.......For now. Until next time!
I made the usual resolutions, not expecting to fail but actually succeed with them. You know, the typical, gotta lose weight, be a better person, yada yada yada. We should focus on resolutions at all times of the year. And strive for goals when trying to be a better person. I'd rather people attempt to be better in some way rather than not even try.
At around this time last year, I was involved in a 30 day photo challenge of a type. I think the year before that one I also got involved in a music challenge too, I can't remember. But I think I will begin another challenge of sorts but this time doing it only on my blog. Giving it a bit more fun and excitement that forces you the reader to visit more ; ) I'm going to start off with a 30 Days Of Truths. You are welcome to participate with me, just let me know in the comment section where you are and when you begin :) I'd be honored to follow along :))
Here's the list:
Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
I got this list from http://magicinthebackyard.wordpress.com/creativechallenges/ if you are interested in visiting that blog and looking through her other challenges. I plan on conquering all of them but we will start with this for now.
So onward and forward :D ......
Day 1. Something that I hate about myself. I actually had to think about this because on one hand I want to be honest and let you in on a piece of me that I don't usually let people see or be a part of. But on the other hand, I want to be real, and yet not be typical with my response. I actually want something deep and blog worthy at the same time. So. I hate that I am not the same person now that I used to be when I was younger and when I lived in Montana. I don't know why I'm not. It could be that I'm older. I have children. I'm not around the people I should be. The death of my father and loss of my mother. It could be a number of things. But I miss the old me. I laughed more. I cared less. I forgave more. I judged less. I was the Christian I needed to be. I was a better friend. A better wife. A better mother. I miss who I used to be but there aren't all negatives to the me now. But I will be using this fresh new year, to going back somewhat, to the old me. You take what you learn and use it for the future. And I will only fail if I don't better myself.
In bettering myself, I went through my facebook friends today. It took a few minutes but as each friend came up I would stop and say, why am I friends with this person, or how I missed that person, or I would feel really sad because I have grown distant from others. I need to be a better friend. That is one of my biggest goals this year.
I'm also going to be erasing all of my debts this year except for my car loan. I have so few left but the total amount is ghastly. So I want to be free by the end of this year. No longer held down by bills. Yuck!
And of course I want to lose my fat. Whether it be in inches or pounds, I don't care anymore. I want to tone up and lose the flab and grossness and be done with it. It's taken two years to go from an 18 to a 12 and from 220 pounds to 170. It's not enough. I'm not done. But. I soon will be :D
I also want to travel someplace new this year. I love traveling. I love going and exploring. And I want to see someplace new. Last year I got to see a few new states and explore new places and I wan to make that a yearly thing.
And of course, blog about all my adventures in the new year ; D
And this is the end of this.......For now. Until next time!
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