What I love about myself

 This one is a definite thinker as well. I'm not the kind of person who enjoys thinking about myself. Although, it probably would boost my self esteem a tad bit, it still feels.....odd. But for the sake of the blog and my attack on these challenges, I shall do what I must!
 I love that I hide. I work hard at not showing my weaknesses, that I fight to not show people when I'm hurt, or that life has me down. I love that when you ask people about me, they can't tell you anything other than I'm always happy and smiling. My dad taught me that just because you are down, it doesn't mean you have to get other people down. As he sat for 6 months in a hospital bed, knowing his time was limited, he never stopped smiling in front of the nurses and doctors. He was never short with them, or cranky and he always thanked them for doing what they did. I think that he thought he would be showing signs of weakness if he let on how he felt. I don't maintain that theory but I do maintain that it does absolutely no good to anyone if I pout or whine or am negative about anything. I smile to keep others smiling and in truth, even if I am faking happiness, it ends up cheering me up in the end, just faking it.
 In life, I think people don't put others ahead of themselves anymore. People enjoy wallowing in their self pity too much. And they enjoy letting everyone know about it too. I think that is a true sign of weakness. Everyone needs someone to vent to, to lean on, and that is completely understandable. But it doesn't mean take it to facebook. Which I have done many times in the past. It is nice to have an outlet reaching so many people all at once but it doesn't make it right or the best choice. I know that now. So I'm going to use one of my best features and putting them to use. I'm faking it on facebook!! I'm going to be as cheerful and as positive and uplifting no matter what a crummy day I have had. I'm going to re-examine what I say, write or portray in anyway from now on, and adjust it before I do it. Does that make sense?
 I guess I don't really know what brought that on. I got a wonderful message this morning thanking me for being so bright and cheerful when they knew I had issues going on, and that my latest postings of motivational stuff was helping them as well. It was very thoughtful and nice reading it and made me feel so good. So then as I was writing what I loved about myself, it stuck out. What my family, friends and even a therapist or two has told me about my harming myself by keeping everything held in, is actually a wonderful thing for others. Don't worry though, I don't keep everything stuffed inside waiting to blow up. My poor and yet wonderful husband endures my venting and a few close friends are my lean-upons. But that's as far as it goes.
 How's that sound for what I love about myself?

Challenges.

 Happy new year by the way. Hello 2012! It doesn't matter how bad or amazing 2011 was, I hope 2012 is even more awesome for everyone.
 I made the usual resolutions, not expecting to fail but actually succeed with them. You know, the  typical, gotta lose weight, be a better person, yada yada yada. We should focus on resolutions at all times of the year. And strive for goals when trying to be a better person. I'd rather people attempt to be better in some way rather than not even try.
 At around this time last year, I was involved in a 30 day photo challenge of a type. I think the year before that one I also got involved in a music challenge too, I can't remember. But I think I will begin another challenge of sorts but this time doing it only on my blog. Giving it a bit more fun and excitement that forces you the reader to visit more  ; ) I'm going to start off with a 30 Days Of Truths. You are welcome to participate with me, just let me know in the comment section where you are and when you begin :) I'd be honored to follow along :))
 Here's the list:
Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


 I got this list from http://magicinthebackyard.wordpress.com/creativechallenges/ if you are interested in visiting that blog and looking through her other challenges. I plan on conquering all of them but we will start with this for now. 
 So onward and forward :D ......


Day 1. Something that I hate about myself. I actually had to think about this because on one hand I want to be honest and let you in on a piece of me that I don't usually let people see or be a part of. But on the other hand, I want to be real, and yet not be typical with my response. I actually want something deep and blog worthy at the same time. So. I hate that I am not the same person now that I used to be when I was younger and when I lived in Montana. I don't know why I'm not. It could be that I'm older. I have children. I'm not around the people I should be. The death of my father and loss of my mother. It could be a number of things. But I miss the old me. I laughed more. I cared less. I forgave more. I judged less. I was the Christian I needed to be. I was a better friend. A better wife. A better mother. I miss who I used to be but there aren't all negatives to the me now. But I will be using this fresh new year, to going back somewhat, to the old me. You take what you learn and use it for the future. And I will only fail if I don't better myself. 
 In bettering myself, I went through my facebook friends today. It took a few minutes but as each friend came up I would stop and say, why am I friends with this person, or how I missed that person, or I would feel really sad because I have grown distant from others. I need to be a better friend. That is one of my biggest goals this year. 
 I'm also going to be erasing all of my debts this year except for my car loan. I have so few left but the total amount is ghastly. So I want to be free by the end of this year. No longer held down by bills. Yuck! 
 And of course I want to lose my fat. Whether it be in inches or pounds, I don't care anymore. I want to tone up and lose the flab and grossness and be done with it. It's taken two years to go from an 18 to a 12 and from 220 pounds to 170. It's not enough. I'm not done. But. I soon will be :D
 I also want to travel someplace new this year. I love traveling. I love going and exploring. And I want to see someplace new. Last year I got to see a few new states and explore new places and I wan to make that a yearly thing. 
 And of course, blog about all my adventures in the new year  ; D


 And this is the end of this.......For now. Until next time! 

Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!

 It's the fifth night of Hanukkah and it's a very un-Hanukkah moment right now, lol. My house is a mess, I have tater tot hotdish baking and the Christmas tree is sagging in my dining room. But at least the menorah is shined up and ready for another lighting :)
 I dislike real Christmas trees. The only good thing is the wonderful smell of them. Otherwise they suck. I have pine needles all over my floor that no matter how many times I sweep, they are there. And it's dead. I mean sagging, greyish, and just blah. And the ornaments are put up halfway on it so that my cats and children leave them alone, lol. It's pathetic and no I refuse to take any photos of it. Definitely getting a fake tree next year.
 So like I said before, it's the fifth night of Hanukkah, prepping for the nightly gift opening. The kidlets get a gift each to open every night for eight nights. It's great. And then on Christmas day (tomorrow) they get the one big gift we got them and then the gifts that all of our relatives and friends got for them.
 What really makes this holiday awesome is that my cousin and his girl-friend are over here from Montana. It has been so much fun having them here and makes it feel a lot like home just because it's like a piece of Montana came with them :  ) We are having so much fun and everything seems so much nicer and better now.
 I'm making this a short bit because I have some goodie to bake, some laundry to fold and we have some gifts to open. Maybe you'll get lucky and I will post a photo or two : )
 Have yourself a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad and Happy Kwanza! Lost of love from my family and I to you and yours!

Almost There!

 Two weeks until Christmas day. Nine days until Hanukkah begins. Am I ready? Of course not! LoL. The biggest procrastinator is STILL on top of things : D But thanks to a awesome site, I found a few last minute gifts that make me feel so good about being that much closer to being done.

  Do you ever find yourself trying hard to be merry and joyful during this season and anything little can dampen your spirits? I've been avoiding people a lot lately. Between work and trying to find time for my family, I don't have any time to spare, and when I do, the last thing I want to do, is deal with drama or crap. I found out a few of my so-called friends, avoid me and don't want to hang out with me because of my children. Innnnteresting....Yes people, I am a mother, and yes people I do cherish what little time I have with my children so they do tend to hang with me. One day, you will understand. I know that I have people out there judging me and every little thing I do or say. They are quick with the excuses or reasons why they do it, but I, try not to give them a second thought. Maybe the only thing they have going for them is thinking they are better than most, I don't know, all I know, is I pretty much don't care but pity you. And I truly don't care what you wish people greetings wise during this month. I'll say happy holidays if I want to and if you don't life it pffffffft on you. 

 I'm going to be honest and admit that right now, I'm having some pretty awful thoughts. I know I'm not the only one to go through this so I'm not ashamed. So I was going to make all my Christmas gifts this year. But then I found some great deals and some awesome websites (www.gummylump.com and no they didn't pay me to advertise that) and found a lot of neat stuff for my nieces, nephews, friend's kids, etc... that I just had to get. Realistically, I'm on a budget so I decided most of the adults I know won't be getting anything but their kids at least will. No offense to the adults I know but if you are a decent parent, I know you will understand. But I have some relatives that no matter what holiday it is, we get the chintziest gifts. It's like they try really hard not to spend anything and it was probably a gift given to them many years ago. Do you ever find yourself shopping for people and knowing they either won't do a thing for you or if they do, it was probably out of a guilty conscience that they even gave something to begin with. The whole, well I can't NOT get you something because you did get something for me theory? I'm not perfect so sometimes, I have a hard time wanting to do thing for some people. I try to be friendly with them, not getting much back, try to bite my tongue and not be cruel to them or about them to others, and then when it comes to this season I begin asking myself, I know the purpose of Christmas is to celebrate Jesus, God giving us Him, Jesus' love and so on and so forth, but man, can't I leave some people out? It's hard. Don't act like you never had a thought like this either, I bet some of you ARE like my crazy aunt Beth  ; ) "Here's a can of Campbell's soup, Merry Christmas, oh and thank you for that awesome 53 1/3 inch flat screen hi-def tv!!!" It frustrates me but I guess I just have to do what I always do, bite my tongue, push away the ugly feelings, and do it because it's what God would do for me. Sometimes, it's difficult trying to be decent though...

 Today I was blessed to have a day off from all my jobs and so I put on my footie pajamas with some funky panda bears on them (not my ideal choice but as it was the last pair left....)and sit and watch a few Veggietale movies and drink hot chocolate with the kidlets and husband. I love lazy days, especially since I only get one a week. In between working any of my four jobs, I have been working out here at home, cleaning my house, working on Bug's various school work-Awana-Christmas play stuff, and dealing with the holidays. I really wish we had an eight day week with 26 hours in a day. That would be so helpful! Crazy is just an understatement around here.  

 And if you think I have holiday music blaring around here, not yet. I went out and bought the first CD that I've bought in years, and it was Adele's cd. I love her music! I can't believe I bought it but I did. And if you haven't heard her or listened to her cd yet. Well you're probably crazy, out of touch with the world, orrrr have a really bad taste in music. Just sayin'....And kidding of course : )

 Before I go, I must post a few pictures. We visited Santa a week ago and it was pretty fun. Bean didn't really care for the guy but he put up with a few pictures. And Bug was ecstatic. I don't know why, she knows he wasn't real...

And then we did the yearly family photos. The ones that will not only grace our gorgeous Christmas cards but also my family wall as well. What do you think? 

 Out of all the years, so far, this one is my favorite. We only do one family picture a year so it's really awesome to see how we all change and grow. Maybe next year I'll have short hair...Don't count on it, lol.
 Anyways, hope everyone is having a great weekend! I'm off to finish a great day by shopping for dinner and food stuffs for the week and read a really good book. 

And It's On!

 We put our tree up last night. Well, actually, the Husband did while I was at work. He left off the ornaments and decorations but at least got it up. The kidlets have been running around ever since, really excited about having it up finally, and my house doesn't seem so bare now. I told the kidlets they get to stay up a little later tonight so that when I get off of work, we can put the decorations up together.

 Growing up, we ever had any traditions. So creating traditions with my kidlets is so important to me. One of our traditions is our yearly ornaments. Everybody gets a new ornament from Hallmark each year. And as we hang them up, we talk about that year's Christmas. It's quite nice and makes us appreciate the memories more. 

 Tomorrow after I get off of work, we get to drive down to Minot and get our family pictures done. Later than I liked but life got crazy and busy and I forgot. We only do family pictures once a year so when it is time, I get really excited for them. I like seeing how my family is changing, the kidlets are growing another year older, and putting another picture up on our wall which is yet one more year for us, together : ) That's always a wonderful accomplishment. One I never hold for granted either. 

 We got some possible good news the other day. Abel finally, FINALLY, got fitted for his contact lens. It will supposedly be here in a week. And supposedly, the railroad wants to put him back to work right back as a student engineer. I'm not supposed to get my hopes up but really? How can I not? 

 So. How is everyone else doing with the holiday season? I like to wish people "Happy Holidays". I got sassed at for doing that. Let me remind everyone, my family celebrates two holidays. And this year they fall at the same time. So on the day we celebrate Christmas, we are also still celebrating Hanukkah. I am so over the lectures of how rude I am to not wish someone a Merry Christmas. Really?! Okaaaay....Don't let me trip over your ego trip but umm when was the last time someone actually wished me a Happy Hanukkah? Never mind the fact that everyone knows I'm Jewish and all. Ugh. Sometimes, Christians are the ones to make the biggest issues out of nothing. Everyone is supposed to do it their way, give them respect, and watch what they say or do around them but when do things go the other way?

  I have a friend who judges and criticizes everything everyone does to him and says it strictly out of love and according to God. He's better than anyone. Does everything better. And God forbid someone do something different than they do. But when someone approaches this guy, to tell him he's being an asshole rude or doing something not cool, you are a jerk and get them silent treatment for a few weeks. What would you do? Because I have done the whole "tell them how you feel" thing, and he called me dramatic. I. Am only slightly dramatic thankyouverymuch. And I. Am also honest. Straightforward. I annoy people because sometimes, I call them out on stuff. If I, or anyone else, come to you telling you that you have done something to hurt my (their) feelings, upset me (or them), or generally just pissed me (or them) off, at least apologize and be a big enough person to try to fix things. Brushing a person off is pathetic. And not changing anything is too. When I say something to you, and try to talk to you about how I feel, I really do it because I care. If I don't care about someone, I don't try to talk to them or get very personal at all. I keep a distance because you bug me to pieces but because I know nothing will change, I keep my distance. I have lots of friends. Some who even read this. But. Very close friends who I tell everything to or feel I can approach in an honest straightforward way? Not a lot. But in that category it is more about quality than quantity. 

 WIth that said, my first honest post is done. I'm going to begin my laundry and dishes so that I can get my child from school and get ready for work. Ugh work. We had a wonderful debate on that subject a few days ago. Welfare and work and being a mother and such. I impressed a lot of people older than me on my views on all of the above. I'd probably piss a lot off on here, lol. 

 So people, time to jet. Have a fabulous day! 

Rules, Chaos, and Holidays.

Ahhh December. The beautiful snow. Holiday music. Family and friends hanging out. Christmas specials on TV. Annnnnnnnd two or three weeks of stress. I love this time of year!

It's not really all that bad. It does get stressful and I should have done better this year. I once again left everything to last minute and I am feeling the stress of it. I have ornaments to finish creating to send off for my family ornament exchange, I have Hanukkah gifts to buy for my kidlets. Hanukkah and Christmas menus to plan. Christmas pictures to get done ad cards finished and sent off. And decorating, putting up the tree and getting things done. Agggh!

Just kidding.

Sorta.

So today I bought the first of the gifts. I bought a really cute inflatable bouncy trampoline thing. Bug and Bean tend to love jumping on the guest bed and it drives me insane. Utterly insane. So I caved and bought this contraption that is small enough to fit in my dining room and yet big and bouncy enough to let them bounce their little hearts out. And gives them an option to let out all their energy while we hibernate in our house this winter. I thought it was perfect.

We are doing our holidays differently this year. Hanukkah and Christmas both. I'm pretty excited about it. And they will fall together which will be great. The kidlets get one big gift for Christmas plus a stocking full of small goodies, plus whatever else they get from family and friends, and then they get their one gift a night during Hanukkah. So no massive overload and yet no going without. Now hopefully I don't ruin the latkes and all will be grand : )
 In other news, I am unsure of what's going on in life right now. It's always great when God topsy turvys it and you have no idea what is going on. So we take it one day at a time. Life is pretty much the same except that Husband has decided to be done with the railroad. He has pride as does any man and I don't blame him but, sadly, I was very attached to the paychecks. So the hard part is compensating for less money which totally sucks. But is hopefully very temporary because husband is also wanting to go work on the oil rigs. Boy that would be nice.......
 I'm trying to keep an upbeat tone for this blog but I think my strength is waning. There is so much controversy in life that bugs me to pieces, I am afterall human, judge me if you must but you have flaws too ; )  But at the same time, being one of those blog authors who must be negative all the time or have to stir pots to increase readers is just not my thing. I also however don't want this to be a monotonous diary sounding blog. Dear diary today I washed dishes....blah blah blah. So I will be thinking of exactly what I want this to be but it will be very real. Very my opinion style. Nothing forced upon you. But very out there. And sometimes, kind of blunt and hard to take. I have had so many pieces that I wanted to write, inspired by a friend of mine who also writes a most excellent blog, but I have a lot of fear of coming out with certain posts. So I either keep them private or I erase and never post. Sometimes, I fear judgement from people and fear what they truly think more than i fear anything else in this world. People can be cruel and heartless and as long as they step on others to make themselves feel better, everything is ok. But, I got a wonderful message last night and I have reread it many times and the best part of it (well one of the best parts) is what is truly pushing me. "Courage is not the lack of fear, but rather it means being afraid and doing it anyway." So, I'm just going to write without a second thought of it. And I don't want to limit myself by applying rules such as how long a blog should be, that it should be of a few subjects or just one, what is PC and what isn't....blah blah blah. Just. Writing. Like I should be doing.  : )
 Ahhh. A little bit of a peaceful feeling now that I posted something after such a long silence. I need to go get Bug from school and clean up the house a little before work. I hope life isn't as chaotic for any of you out there and if it is, shrug it off and have some hot chocolate. And browse pinterest.com, lol!! Until next time,

Me Oh My

 Wowza! Two weeks has gone by since my last blog. I try not to let too much time pass by, and at the same time, I don't want to post too frequently, but dang! Two weeks...
Let's play catch up shall we?

Halloween. 

 It was really fun. Bug was a spider princess and Bean was a spider. They both looked super cute but very un-spiderish in the whole "I-hate-spiders-and-will-kill-every-one" sort of way. Definitely did not want to beat these ones with my shoe  ; ) They made out with a ton of candy. Literally. Well...Almost literally. I bought a big black plastic cauldron at Walmart a few years ago, all the candy they got fit into it perfectly. So, we won't be buying candy for a few years. I did however, learn something that weekend though, babies and toddlers make more of a haul then the older kidlets. And we did compare. Big cuteness factor when a little one can barely utter trick-or-treat and thank you I suppose. Oh well, more candy for me ; )

Hannah and I have been spending more time together at night doing all sorts of crafty activities. Her favorite one which is a nightly repeat is the whole cornstarch goop. You add cornstarch and water together to make a barely liquid but barely solid kind of goop. She loves it and I do too because it is so easy, cheap to make and yet so easy to clean up too. Got the idea off of www.pinterest.com don't know if anyone uses it, so just in case you don't...you should. It is amazing and I'm not telling you anything about it just so you will go see for yourself :P

 Husband has been home for over a month and a half now. It's a big long story of a mess but basically husband lost his job for being colorblind and now is back on but laid off. His union (who is headed by Jimmy Hoffa Jr thank goodness) and it's lawyers are now pursuing a class action case against the company for discriminating and violating the A.D.A. (American Disabilities Act) I'm upset and stressed out by it because Husband is an amazing employee. How many people do you know who have never been fired by the time they were 30? Well, besides me, I've never been fired either. But not very many people can say that. He has always done a good job, never even ran a switch or derailed a train (No, not every derailment causes an explosion or huge deal, sometimes only a few wheels pop off the track by an inch, not a big deal at all) so why this company treats him and other employees like crap is just unfair.

 My sister-in-law is moving at the end of the month. It makes me sad because she and my nephew are the only family we have in this town. We have a lot of fun together and it makes it nice to know you have someone to vent to about anything and it won't go very far. But I'm really happy about it because they get to move to Minneapolis. So it isn't but eight hours away and I always enjoy an excuse to go visit the cities  : D

 I picked up an extra job and a few extra shifts at work so my week is completely blown away as far as free time is concerned. I have to map out times to get my holiday stuff started now so I don't procrastinate with it too much and it gets late. I'm doing handmade gifts this year and am part of a family ornament exchange. Handmade may seem cheap to some people, which is not all fiction, but to me, they seem to make the best sense. People get too material around this time of year. That and I don't know very many people who can even bake a pie without going to the store and buying one in the box. My goal is to get more crafty, more DIY-ish, and create my food from scratch or as close to it that I can come.

 Today was one of my biggest accomplishments (even though we didn't get a thing!) First day hunting! Really exciting to go out but a big let down when we had to come home without anything in the truck. I'm a really awesome shot, and can't wait to down my first deer. And it puts enough meat in my freezer for at least a few months. I haven't had to buy store bought meat in over a year and that's exactly how I like it. I know where all my chicken, beef and deer meat came from. And it has zero pesticides, chemicals, hormones, or whatever in it. Plus, if you cook it right, deer tastes amazing!!

 Is it too early to put on Carol of The Bells and Let It Snow? I LOVE this time of year! Hot cocoa, snow (which started falling today), and Christmas songs and movies. I have to start figuring out holiday pictures that are going on our Christmas cards this year. And getting everything ready for Thanksgiving. I stock up early because I cook for us, but then I cook for the railroad guys too. Lots of them. LOTS. LoL.

 So that about catches us up on life so far. So much has been going on, it really seemed like longer than two weeks...I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend and don't forget about tomorrow and honoring our veterans!!